Every little bit counts.

I’m having a hard time getting myself motivated to do alot of the things I want to do. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s just motivation that I am lacking. I didn’t understand what it takes to make a change in one’s life, until the past year. I was involved in a group session with other patients from the pain clinic I have been going to for years. We met twice a month and spent the entire morning together, learning about ways to manage life as a chronic pain patient.  I was open to the idea of a group in the beginning and so I really put in effort. I pushed myself through my never ending anxiety and tried as much as possible to get involved. 

  The topic of discussion on a particular day, was change. But It wasn’t just saying that I have a problem that is affecting my life and I’m going to stop. The entire concept showed me just why I have always had a difficult time changing. First off you need to look hard at what is bothering you and find out what triggers that action. So I have a bad way of dealing with public places and people, but I can’t just say that tomorrow I’m going to make friends. I need to find what it is that gives me the habit of wanting to be alone instead of with other people. In this case, I am most likely protecting myself from rejection or hurt and have gotten very accustomed to being alone. 

  As refreshing as it was to realize that I had been trying to make changes in a way that never would work..I also felt very inadequate in doing anything To change my life, since the root of my problems were almost always very deep and painful. I am not involved in the group anymore. But I find that I am constantly being frustrated with my patterns and behavior. It wasn’t until just recently when I realized that even though I’m not taking all the steps to solve my problems. Even being aware of the issues on a daily basis has given my life little bits of change without my knowledge.